On Hearing Yourself Through the Ears of Another

From a few Story-Tellers with ancient roots that I’ve experienced (and emulated), I’ve heard the following type of preface:

“I carry this story within me, resting next to my heart.  And now it asks me to share it with you, that it may rise within me into my mouth, and my tongue will give it the words that may emerge from my mouth crossing the space to your ears.  And hearing my words, they will descend to your own heart, that the story may find a new home from which to give you the life it wishes to share.”  

That’s a sacred journey, from heart to heart, sharing it’s inherent life or wisdom.  Stories have a life of their own, as if sacred beings themselves.  And the truly “sacred stories” will often have their own place on a calendar, and may be accompanied by fire, one or more candles, a bonfire in the center of a circle, or another ritual setting.  Many old stories seem to give their best ‘blessing’ in a circle.

In a marriage ceremony, ‘vows’ are exchanged.  Each hearing the words of the other.  After which an outside authority says the sacred words, “I now pronounce you….”  Something new is created, a “third thing’ – in response to words spoken and heard by the hearts of each other.

I have been fortunate to have had some schooling, especially in the second half of my life, in this ancient tradition.  “Sacred” doesn’t necessarily have to mean religious, but rather means to enhance life or healing or passages.  

Some months ago, I was in a (church) gathering, watching a video of one of our bishops.  He was talking away, but I (or my gut) was troubled.  Something wasn’t right, or working – as if I wasn’t hearing anything.  Then later that evening, it occurred to me – he was talking only to himself, and had no sense of what others were hearing.  He had 20 minutes, and it seemed he wanted to use the opportunity to push through a whole word-horde of sermons.  

There’s a standard rule of human communication that goes like this: A communication’s true meaning is not the speaker’s intention, but what is heard/received by the listener.  Much of my work as a marriage/relationship counselor is to facilitate that connection between the speaker and the listener – true communication.  When one has spoken, I’ll often ask the other, “What did you hear?”  And often the response is very different from what I had heard, and what the speaker had intended.  That’s often a high-stress part of our session – and I make sure that I’ve worked to reduce that stress by the end of “the hour.”

It’s a good rule of thumb that what attracts a couple to each other is not so much their similarities, but their differences.  And so there will, of course, easily emerge differences between what is spoken and what is heard.  Often their early relationship was one of “we like to talk to each other” – i.e. ‘my view of the world is expanded when we are together.’  However, it often takes work to learn the thinking of the other, especially when we’re dealing with conflict. I’ll often ask one party, “What does (your wife/husband) think or feel when you say/do…..?”  I’ll often get an “I don’t know.”  Then I’ll respond, “You’ve been together 14 years, and you don’t know?!  Come on now!  How about you just guess for me.”  Then we take if from there.  It’s common that people do know how/what the other feels, but have decided to just no longer pay attention.  (Paying attention is the lifeblood, that which feeds/nourishes a marriage.)  The next level down is to just no longer care.  “Would you like to care?” 

What I’ll look for is “when-in-doubt” patterns – the thought and verbal meta patterns that show up often from deeper underneath. “What did you hear him/her say?”  I’ll get responses like “I know, it’s all my fault.”  “I’m a failure.”  “I don’t deserve…”  “She’s going to leave anyway.”  “He doesn’t think I’m sexy enough.”  “I’ll never be able to satisfy her.”  “He/She never…  (There are dozens of examples, usually self- or other-derogatory.    “What would you like to hear?”

The magic of human communication is not to talk to, but to talk with. 

As I’ve said, of course there are differences.  As a couple ‘matures’ it’s not even that they become more like each other.  It’s that they get to know each other.  In our government, it’s not that Republicans and Democrats (and others) get to be more like each other.  But they can get to know each other so that out of their communication (aka dialogue) something greater can emerge, a “third thing” which can then become the greater wisdom of good legislation.  When they don’t/can’t talk/communicate, there’s an empty space which can be easily co-opted by any crouching autocrat (or worse).  It’s the same with a marriage.  When it’s just One plus One, the resulting Two is easily divided.  When One plus One equals Three.  A ‘third thing’ emerges which wants of its own nature, to create, to care, to enhance, to heal – to know Love.¹  Which is why I believe in the promise of a real Marriage.  (More next month.)

When I was a young, budding therapist, I wanted to change people to become more like how I thought and acted.  I had answers.  And it apparently often worked.  But over the years, I’ve become more someone who wants to get to know my client(s) as real people of their own.  That’s why I don’t burn out – I get to know them, and want them to become better themSelves.  And part of my secret is to have learned to speak so they hear me with their own ears.  That’s the magic of one-to-one communication.  

To conclude, let me share a story I once read (somewhere).  It’s about the ability to communicate transcending words.

    A young graduate student was doing research on the communication patterns of older couples.  On this occasion, she had met to observe an older couple, then she met alone with the woman, to whom she commented, “You don’t communicate much, do you?”  The elder woman responded, “Oh Dearie, you’re so very wrong.  Here’s what it’s like:  

    It’s four o’clock.  He gets up and goes to the kitchen, and fills the kettle.  I follow, to get down the tea.  He lights the burner to heat the water.  I get the cups from the cupboard, put them on the table.  He gets down the teapot.  I get the milk from the fridge, the sugar bowl, and 2 spoons.  We may sit for a few minutes, waiting for the water to boil – then he gets up and pours water into the teapot, brings it to the table.  I spoon tea leaves into the pot.  We both sit a few minutes, then he pours each of us a cup of tea.  I add the sugar and milk.  Then we enjoy our cup of tea together.”

     This is a finely tuned procedure, wordless but rich: “Making tea.” It’s like Flamenco dancing (more energetic), but so well tuned that we may miss that the male and female movements are specifically different. We just enjoy the finely tuned ‘dance’ that “makes tea.”

When we have learned to speak, and hear ourselves through the ears of our listeners, it’s like we have learned to dance – and we’ve all watched couples on a dance floor who have perfected the art and sometimes will call it spellbinding.  It can be beautiful.

And I’ve noticed that when I write, like writing these Newsletters, I’ll be listening to and maybe correcting my words through the ears of my clients, whom I’ve come to know.  Yes, I do carry my clients with me.  I hope I’ve done this well in this writing, and that you can

Pay Attention

Footnote

¹  I’ve made reference in these pages in the past, to the American Field Service, under whom I was an Exchange Student in 1958 – whose motto is “Walk together, talk together, O ye people of the earth, and you will have peace.”  The same pattern – out of two World Wars, it became a functional pattern for a world that could know Peace.

Bill McDonald

May 22, 2025