Specialties
Only within the last half century has couples or marital therapy become a distinct discipline. (Notwithstanding, some of the secrets of good marital counseling have existed for hundreds or thousands of years.)
Many therapists who do excellent individual therapy will avoid “marriage counseling.” It is a very different kind of therapy involving unique skills. Many therapists are not interested in “trying to manage couples who must argue endlessly.” It takes special skills (and patience!).
From my family background and a unique undergraduate program at the University of Iowa in the 1960s, I was fortunate to have implanted the ability to translate between numerous different personal and professional “languages.” ; This skill is of singular value in marital counseling, where it’s as if one person speaks Greek and the other Swahili. Even the alphabet is different – and they both think they speak English! When this is not a significant handicap (though it usually is when a couple comes to see me), it can be a resource of tremendous energy and creativity – as the French say, Vive la difference!
Although most couples seek counseling initially because of a crisis in their relationship, some seek my services to enrich an already good (or at least adequate) marriage. It’s not yet that common, but time and energy (and money) are well spent.
One crucial difference in doing couple or marital counseling is that the therapy contract is with the relationship, not with each separate individual.
In a good relationship, the relationship nurtures the individuals within it. It’s the marriage itself that keeps and cares for the two married persons. Each party’s best care is the care given to the relationship, not just to the other person. (Here is also a secret of conflict resolution within the relationship.) I honor and reinforce this reality by making the relationship (or marriage) itself my client.
When one party leaves the relationship (i.e., by divorce, infidelity, addiction, death), the relationship itself has collapsed. When it is possible (i.e., the parties are still alive and not re-committed elsewhere), and there is some compelling mutual desire, the work of therapy may be the decision and struggle to rebuild the relationship.
Years ago, I learned that when therapy becomes fuzzy (unfocused), it’s often because the contract is fuzzy (unclear). There are times when, after marital counseling, one or both parties may enter into individual therapy with me. (And to answer a frequently asked question: yes, I am comfortable and competent to see married (or cohabiting) persons separately with separate therapy contracts. It does involve an exceptional boundary-keeping ability on the therapist’s part.)
The process of couple or marital counseling begins by calling me for an appointment. If possible, I would like to see both parties together for a first session. At that first session, I get to know both of you, and you get to know me. If I believe I can work with you effectively, I will offer my services for future work. We can have a working therapy relationship if you feel the same way. Next, I will sometimes meet with each of you separately to gain further information and acquaint myself with your background and family patterns. I do this because many difficulties in a relationship originate from family backgrounds, and it is my art to see and disempower them for you when they “get in the way.”
The duration of the therapy varies widely, and I generally can’t offer much of an estimate at the beginning. However, even a short time of counseling can benefit many couples.
Also, over the years, I have found it possible to work on a marriage or relationship even when only one partner comes to see me.
Sometimes, my schedule and energy do not allow me to take on a new client couple right away, but call me to see what we can work out.
Call me – Bill McDonald, phone (810) 730-9454
Afternote:
Marriage is one of the most potent institutions for promoting a healthy society and nurturing worthy individuals. I have spent almost 50 years as its faithful advocate for many couples.
And yet, other options must be considered when it is or becomes a toxic endeavor. I have personally lived both sides of this matter – but have never given up my hopes for a life-long alchemy where two can truly become one, and the world becomes better for it.