Anger Management

Since I get many inquiries asking if I do “anger management” counseling, I want to spell out some thoughts and responses.

1:  Defining the Issues

Anger Management, Domestic Violence, and Road Rage – are increasingly common terms in this age of heightened life stress.

Anger Management problems usually have to do with an inability to manage or control one’s anger responses in the face of increased frustration and stress.

Domestic Violence is much the same with the addition of coming from a (usually inherited) belief system that it is right and necessary to maintain order in a household or specific environment by all means available.

Road Rage often stems from a perceived violation of “my personal space” on the road, to which an equal (or greater) violation in return is deemed justified.

Our society rightly considers all three to be “offenses” where internal control is lost or inappropriate, and the intervention of external control is warranted. When someone loses it (for example, in a domestic situation), somebody else (cf police authorities) must step in to provide order and protection.

2. How to Change

The usual goal, or ideal, for each of us is to develop adequate internal controls to maintain our order, especially in the face of increased frustration and stress. And the purpose of our internal order includes protecting all others from any violation, especially by our actions. For thousands of years, the hallmark of any well-developed society is that the vulnerable within it are protected. (In the Old Testament, it is found that whenever God heard the cry of a widow or an orphan, his wrath would be kindled beyond all other situations.) And some years ago, the Vatican saw it appropriate to issue a set of Ten Commandments for drivers.

One further characteristic of the problem is that the part of the human brain that could help us think more clearly about these issues is generally overpowered by that other (much more primitive) part that locks us into “fight, flight, or freeze” responses. That’s why the most effective change with “anger issues” is challenging work. A good rule of thumb is that if a person has more than one anger episode in five years, it signifies a deep-set problem.

So, the process doesn’t involve a simple behavior shift, such as changing how the toilet paper unfolds. Instead, it involves an extensive “re-wiring” of the brain so that in times of crisis, our manner of responding will come from having formed a very different “groove.”

The optimum type of resource to help bring about change – both in behavior and thinking patterns (belief systems) is Group Therapy. So, if you want your best shot at changing, this is where to go. It’s not easy, but it’s effective.

Also, any helpful therapy must be sufficiently powerful to overcome the near-universal pattern of denial by the offender that their problem is as severe as it is. This is true even considering the considerable feeling of shame often involved. (“I really lost it.”)

3. My Limits

I will not provide just a quick series of sessions to satisfy the demands of a court or probation officer. In such cases, if you work with me, I may insist from the beginning on a written commitment to a lengthy program of therapeutic work.

Individual therapy can be helpful in several cases. I have had training and experience in this field and am familiar with its underlying dynamics. In some cases, individual therapy may be much more effective over a lengthy period, but taking longer and costing more than standard group work.

In any case, I am willing to provide an initial consultation further to evaluate your needs, circumstances, and options.

4. Anger is not necessarily the ‘enemy.’

Teaching people not to feel anger is rarely the answer. It’s there for an essential developmental or social reason. But if we allow only the primitive part of our brain to act it out, the larger culture of necessity must step in to protect others (and ourselves) from damage. The art is to learn what to do with it; that’s why it’s called Anger Management. That’s why we have ‘sports’ or martial arts – to ‘order’ that energy. There’s a reason more folks follow football on TV than golf.

Anger Management is not passivity. Passive anger can be dangerous to be around. It is not a training ground for “niceness.” One of the hallmarks of a powerful, non-angry person is his or her ability to say, “Hey, wait a minute!”

Maybe there’s a correlation between anger and toilet training. It involves almost entirely re-orientating our neurology, yet each of us has accomplished this radical shift. I heard the author Scott Peck once explain that we allow ourselves to be toilet-trained because someone we love (usually a parent) wants us to change. We learn to control our anger and not hurt others, even if we want to. I once had a client, a career Army Drill Sergeant, about training recruits in the critical difference between following orders and the desire to kill an enemy. He cared deeply for his recruits and the crucial difference between the two. We had many conversations about the importance of his work and his abiding care for his recruits.

We know from our current political discourse how the politics of hate can easily poison a large population and even destroy a democratic way of life.

In the meantime, my ‘anger management’ clients continue to re-wire the grooves of their brains toward a more effectively peaceful manner of living together in our world.

Fenton Counseling & Therapy - Bill McDonald LMSW Counseling