I’ve been counseling couples for almost 50 years now. And in that time I’ve learned a lot, and re-learned a lot, and had to re-learn a lot. I’ve also been amazed and delighted by some wonderful mysteries that emerge from this territory, as well as a few horrors and distressful cruelties.
And then there is my own varied experience – including a pocketful of mistakes and failures. (There was a time when a medical doctor would learn to trust his medicines by having initially tried them out on him or herself.1)
Now allow me to share a fairly new model that I’ve been using of late – as a teaching stratagem for men.
When the wife complains, always consider that at some level, she’s probably right.
Now at first, this will usually be misunderstood by both parties.
A standard male response is to complain I’m taking the wife’s side, feel discounted, and need to defend himself. This is often his same (natural) response when his wife complains.
Many men live in a world where they need to remain competitive, either to protect themselves from harm by some external system, or to maintain their status over or in relationship with other men. The world is not friendly to men.
Women live in a slightly different, but equally or more uncertain, relationship to the world, as well as the world of men.
And what I’m considering in this writing, is an across-the-divide awareness of each other’s vulnerability.
Add to this two additional vulnerabilities:
In a marital setting, each needs be more open emotionally due to the of marriage . The emotional bond for each is closer than most or all other bonds.
Therefore each needs a higher level of safety available for and from each other
Backstory
There’s a minor backstory here – that led me to organize these thoughts.
In my younger adult (and married) years, I had a penchant for having an accurate timepiece (wristwatch). I recall once obtaining a Hamilton watch (a step up), I wanted it reliably accurate. (This was before watches had a computer chip.) And so it was every month or so, I’d mail it again to Hamilton to get it adjusted to the near perfection I expected.
Some years later (after divorce), I believe it was my daughter who commented that her mother would complain, that I, who wanted a perfect watch, was frequently not on time for other matters. Now, I have no memory of her complaining about my lateness – nor that I was even frequently late. And yet, if it was complaintworthy, and probably it was, why would I have no memory?
And so this Newsletter emerged from my pondering. The minor patterns may not be well thought out yet, but the general wisdom remains.
My Thesis
If a woman complains – and I hear lots of complaints from female clients, both solo and in couples – it’s best for a husband, instead of feeling oppression, or need to defend, that he assume that somewhere in her experience, it does fit. And, that as her partner, to seek out or help seek out, the reality from which she’s speaking. It’s like giving her the benefit of the doubt – as if from somewhere in there, her complaint is right. And (always) worthy of our attention!
When in doubt, many women can be easily isolated, and socially injured. The baseline is an ability and desire to be supported by others. Men’s ‘when in doubt’, is more from a baseline of isolation and/or competition.
The Gift of supporting each other’s vulnerabilities.
It’s important that the awareness of each other’s vulnerabilities are not the same, and the manner of support is also not the same. I want my couples to come to know each other on each other’s, rather their own, terms.2
When a woman complains to a man, it can become the gift of a polishing cloth for him to use.
When a man complains to a woman, which probably needs be less frequent, she has a revised roadmap of how to love him.
Gentlemen, pay attention and try it out.
Footnotes
1 Now often replaced by those uniformly-dressed Pharmacy Reps that we’ve all seen wandering through our doctors’ waiting rooms with their iconic black-leather boxy carry-along or tote.
2 Akin to my advice a year ago, where I suggest that when one speaks, they listen to themselves through the other’s ears rather than with their own.
https://billmcdonaldonline.com/newsletter/2025/05/on-hearing-yourself-through-the-ears-of-another/
Afterword
And then there’s Camelot – and Merlin’s advice to King Arthur (Richard Burton) in this classic (somewhat misogynistic) story with a disastrous end – yet beloved: “How to handle a woman.”
Bill McDonald
May 22, 2026
1 thought on “When the Wife Complains”
Love this. So much. Bill you’re my favorite wise owl. I’m blessed to be your protégée.