Category: Newsletter

July 2024 Newsletter – Volume 24, No 7

Readers,
I’m going to get ‘religions’ on you for a moment or two. For some, that will be fine; for others, that can be an “Oh No!”  But stay with me – I think this can be useful across the board.

Boredom

Many years ago, during a difficult time, I decided it was time to read the entire Bible—cover to cover (which I’d never done before).¹  I remembered reading the Book of Psalms—a rather large chunk within the Old Testament—and being quite bored.

Yet the Psalms are often called ‘the Prayer Book of the Church.’ In monastic communities, the cyclical recital of the entire Psalter is their worship’s daily core, or bread and butter. Still, I could never conceive of reading them all each month as having much, if any, spiritual energy for me.

Then I found an analysis that in the original Hebrew, each verse has two parts (halves), one generally an echo of the meaning of the other. In our community prayer books, where the Psalms are recited aloud antiphonally (back and forth), this original pattern is generally honored, with the halves separated by an asterisk.  In the Sunday Liturgy, the Psalms are chosen to echo themes in the other lessons of the day. I could note with my inner ear the general echo of each half of each verse, but again, I wasn’t overly attached to them.

And then…

The Conversation of the Lovers

At a recent funeral of a friend whose wife had previously died, I was musing on the antiphonal rhythm of an appointed Psalm for the service,². All at once, I imagined Jack and Beverly united in Heaven, reading the Psalms and in their reunited marital happiness. I then named this rhythm “The Conversation of the Lovers.”

One would say something, then the other would fill out the meaning with different words, adding to the fullness of the complete thought. It was not so much the content of the conversation but the rhythm of it. That’s the way lovers talk.³ And that’s the mystery of how folks in my tradition can know to worship the Almighty.⁴

I can better understand the monastic language of “Praying the Psalms.”

A Second Previous Difficulty

I remember a while ago feeling that many Psalms give a lot of attention to matters of trouble and difficulty – and in a sermon, I once referred to this as a “Psalmic bitch session.” Then, we will be wrapped up with brief words, such as “God is in charge” – nothing more. Nothing! As if we don’t need to know anything more.

I’m not even sure how accurate this is anymore about the Psalms – but I will read through them all again with new eyes and ears.

This is what’s been happening to me lately.

One of my clients asked me, “Why, in my family, does nobody care whether I live or die ?”  – a painful truth to encounter.  In my younger years, I’d probably come up with something like, “Well, I’m not sure that’s true – surely some of them care….”  But in this case, his question is based on 99% fact – I know this family.  He insisted on asking again and again, “Why?” That question could lead to a ‘psychologizing’’ answer. I know ‘family systems thinking’ quite well. And I know how many times in his half a century he’s reached out to them and others for support and affirmation – and gotten virtually nothing. And it’s not his fault he’s the family scapegoat or black sheep.

I have no answer to his question that can comfort him. So I responded, “It’s as if nobody on the outside will care, at least long enough. Any care here was inevitably followed by rejection.”

All I could say was, “All you’ve got left is what’s deep inside you.” But even as he was growing up, nobody had affirmed any value in him.  But I also know it can be enough, even if that’s all you have. Even without answers.” (And he was always asking me questions.)⁵ It was all I could say to him – that inside him he was good, certainly good enough, and then silence.

Now, I understand why each Psalm ends with a brief, “but God is in charge” and then silence. As I mature, I can begin to know that and trust it—even though it can sometimes break my own heart.

And in that Psalmic silence, where no words exist, a great Love can be felt and known. That, for me, is the second great mystery of the Psalms.

Yes, it’s time for me to revisit the great mysteries of the Book of Psalms (and this time, not be bored).

Postscript.

I have given you two different (and, for me, new) ways to know and be fed by reading the Psalms. What they have in common is not necessarily their content, but their pattern or rhythm. Lovers can be uplifted in joy, and tortured souls can be freed. The God of Love is always in charge.

Pay Attention

Footnotes

¹  I chose the New Jerusalem Bible (1966), which I loved. It was (of course) a translation from the original languages, initially into French, with its delightful rhythmic qualities. Then, the English translation maintained much of that immediacy of the French – which, being an auditory person, was a delight to my ear.  And it was the Bible signed by my Bishop in 1970 at my ordination to the Episcopal Priesthood. Then, a new edition emerged in 1985 (The New Jerusalem Bible). So when I decided to read it all, that included the multitude of notes and introductions (My OCD was in full force!).

²  Psalm 33:1-11

³  It’s the rhythm of two becoming one, a third thing, which is greater than the sum of its original parts.

⁴  The ‘conversation’ of lovers and the divine worship of the Almighty have one thing in common – the Name of God is exclaimed. I sometimes tell my clients that the Name of God is spoken more often in bedrooms than churches. And I’m not referring to the Book of Psalms on nightstands.

⁵  This can be called “the dark night of the soul” – after the 16th-century mystic St. John of the Cross

June 2024 Newsletter – Volume 24, No 6

A while ago, I was listening to a friend ranting about his job, specifically his boss. I heard the same word used at least four times during his complaint: “disrespect.” The term made sense to me from the various examples he gave. But that he repeated the term several times, with emphasis, took me somewhere else. I knew this word had a significant history—and it was a Trigger Word from some unresolved history.

So, in my imagination, I put the word “Disrespect” in a bubble over his head to mark my special ‘reading’ of my friend.

Then 1) I went into my Contacts app and added to his name “Trigger: disrespect.”  2) I wished I had the opportunity / permission / occasion to speak to his boss myself and explain that “this employee has a trigger word that you probably used the other day accidentally, that seems to have sent him to some place either painful or ‘crazy.’ I know it upset him. Would you be willing to tell him using that word was a mistake on your part, you hadn’t meant to upset him – and find a more useful term to invite him to listen and cooperate?”

As a (better) alternative, I could advise my friend himself to approach his boss, apologizing for being triggered by a term he used, that after thinking about it, you realized he probably didn’t mean it in the particular way you heard it (giving him the benefit of the doubt).

More ‘Bubbles’

Recently, I met a new client couple virtually (by computer) in their living room. I’ve become used to doing this, and they seemed pretty comfortable with our conversation.  Then, all at once, I saw on my computer a white hand arise from one of them in a bubble, which then disappeared.  Then, the same thing happened from the head of the other. Then again and again – there seemed to be two different bubbles, one of a hand waving and one of an upraised finger (as if OK).  I commented on it; they didn’t see the bubbles – then a short time later, they saw a white hand bubble arising from my head on their screen. They decided it was some new Emoji phenomenon. Unfortunately, I was too surprised to pay attention to the fact that perhaps some AI phenomenon was telling me or us to pay particular attention to what was being said (or not said).

But I somehow knew it was a signal—“Bill, pay attention here.”  Learn to read the Bubbles. Actually, in my profession as a mental health counselor, it’s expected that I know how to listen—how to perceive their messages, conscious, semi-conscious, and unconscious. Sometimes, I call them “anxiety bubbles” – because they can be clues to anxiety patterns and even anxiety sources.

Sometimes, this gives too much information.

This is part of the therapists’ art. Many years ago, I had occasion to meet with a clergyman whose church was also the landlord of my office. I needed to inquire about their plans for my building so I could plan my future tenancy. It was an awkward meeting, for he would parrot my questions. I would say, “I’m considering future options for office space,”  And he would respond, “You’re considering future options for office space.” He parroted my comments and generally refused to give me any answers or commitments. I considered he’d been taught this parroting as an immature counseling technique. But now, from an awareness of ‘anxiety bubbles,’ I’m aware he was more likely afraid of me, and this was a defense mechanism to protect himself from having to be open and honest with me.

Being able to see ‘Anxiety Bubbles’ can be a threat to the more anxious party.

How to respond

A particular client was getting anxious and preachy – yet he knows my specific views can be different than his, even though I often give him space to rant, and I am willing to listen. But on this particular occasion, his rants also involved the necessity to solve specific problems, which his growing (political) anger would not benefit. So I calmly noted his increasing anger (his long-standing ‘anxiety bubble’) and said, “If you were to let go of your anger in speaking of these things, what would happen to your ability to come up with useful problem-solving? It took some dancing around, but eventually, he came to a point where he had to ask,” But how do I do that?”

At that point, I came up with a phrase many of my clients have heard from me:  “My father would say to me, ”Despise nothing, honor everything.” That stopped him in his tracks. He knew I had been listening to him, and now he was listening to me.

Be gentle in listening and responding to people’s “Bubbles,” mainly because they can be rooted deeply in problematic and toxic soil.

The Good Book itself will advise (Romans 12:17ff)

“Never pay back evil with evil, but bear in mind the ideals that all regard with respect. As much as possible and to the utmost of your ability, be at peace with everyone. Never try to get revenge:… Do not be mastered by evil but master evil with good.”   TNJB

These are often difficult teachings. Be gentle with them.

Pay Attention

Perhaps today, the survival of our people depends on it.

Sometimes, clients will come to me to help make “an important decision.”

Over the years, I’ve discovered and developed a protocol for making decisions, that seems to benefits folks.¹ Often, their issue is a relationship matter, as many counseling issues are relationship-oriented. However, what I offer here is a structure for many other issues as well – Job or employment issues, car buying decisions, vacation choices, or bathroom paint colors.

Making a Decision – Three distinct parts

Part One – Research

This first part is time spent gathering data. The sources can include one’s own experience, advice from friends, online advice, libraries, books, podcasts, workshops, counseling, spiritual resources, relatives, and exes – the list can be extensive. There’s your native knowledge, wisdom, and even your imagination and dreams—the more critical the decision, the more comprehensive the research. Even the opinions of contrarians or even ‘enemies’ can be helpful.

But there’s a danger that when you are in the research phase, you’re also trying to decide. As much as possible, keep research separate from actually deciding – or you’ll be tempted to go crazy with the process.

Part Two – Making The Decision

When you know you have gathered sufficient data, then it’s TIME TO DECIDE.  Setting a specific time for the Decision (like ‘tomorrow night’ or ‘this weekend’) may be helpful.  The actual decision-making may take only fifteen seconds, or ten minutes, or a weekend, or….  You decide a time to decide. “Now I am ready.”

This may not be easy if being decisive isn’t your strong suit. But it’s important not to sabotage the process here – dare do decide to decide anyway. Even if it takes one of your wiser children to say ITTDD (it’s time to decide, dammit!)

“Coin Toss Divination” – Ratification

Now can be a good time to do what I call “ratifying decision you make.”  Somewhere along the line, I discovered “coin-toss divination.”  This is not your usual binary ‘let the coin decide for me’ exercise.  That would be unworthy after all the effort you’ve already put into this.²

What you want here is to ‘ratify’ your decision, to check that what you’ve now consciously decided also fits in accord with your subconscious mind, or your deeper (or better) self.³

Here’s how it goes. You’re going to flip a coin.⁴ You can also do this in your imagination so the imaginary coin is caught on the back of your other hand. Now, the moment it lands, uncover it, and in the first fifth of a second – (that is, before you have time to think), direct your inner attention to whether you are pleased or disappointed (yes or no). That’s your subconscious mind ratifying or disagreeing with your initial decision. And you will know your actual best decision in that first fifth of a second. I’ve never known that to fail me. Your decision has been accomplished.

Part Three – Committing to Your Decision

Once (all of yourself ) has decided (#2), you now consciously commit to the decision – No more second thoughts, doubts, or second-guessing.  And you can be trusted by others – which is a matter of high respect. It’s been long said “A man’s word is his honor.” (Translate that to it fits across the greater board.)

You are fully ready to GO for it.

Pay Attention

Footnotes

¹. This isn’t originally my design, though I’ve forgotten where it came from as I’ve used it over the years.

²  This can be useful when you ‘just can’t decide,’ and it’s not exactly a super important decision, like whether to order cherry or apple pie from the menu.

³  This is similar to a pattern I’ve learned from my Native American friends about tribal decision-making. The tribe’s men gather in Council to make decisions for the People (tribe). Then, the decision is given to the women of the tribe to ‘ratify’ their work. If the women don’t ratify the decision, it’s sent back to the men in Council or a given that the women are correct (I’m not sure of the finer details of their pattern).

⁴  These days, some folks don’t carry any coins.  More often, you’ve got a plastic credit card – so flip it up and let it fall on the table or floor, and see which side is ‘up’ (yes or no).

Bill McDonald’s Website Newsletter

March 2024 Newsletter – Volume 24, No 4 (my #209)

Jacob’s Wound / God’s Wounding

One of my favorite counseling stories from the Old Testament is the account of Jacob wrestling with God “by the ford of the river Jabbok.” (Book of Genesis, Chapter 32:22-32). The larger account is full of metaphorical elements which can be of use in counseling sessions. But here, I want to focus on only one.

“Then someone (God/angel/man) wrestled with him until daybreak, who seeing he could not master him, struck him on the hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was dislocated as he wrestled with him.” v26   

“That is why to this day the Israelites do not eat the thigh sinew which is at the hip socket: because he had struck Jacob at the hip socket on the thigh sinew. v32 ¹

Then, shortly after my love affair with this story began, someone commented, “Everyone in the Old Testament who contends with God gets wounded.”  Moses had a speech defect.  Joseph had the jealousy of his brothers, and David couldn’t resist Bathsheba.²  The commentator offered a lengthy list – which I wish I now had in hand.

But in my view of the world (spiritual and psychological), many can rarely avoid the necessity of ‘wrestling with God.’  So often, we make it into either a moral or legal issue – and the wound is easily construed as punishment. The old term for a prison is “penitentiary.”

A Fault?

Was God punishing Jacob by wounding him?  It would be easy in our moral and legal world to answer Yes. But in the spiritual world, not necessarily.  Back to the Genesis account:  “…Seeing that he could not master him, struck him on the hip socket… “v 26. “…Since you have shown your strength against God and men, and have prevailed.” v 30.  These are not words of fault – but more a mark of masterful accomplishment. As if Jacob won “prevailed” – and God left him with a specific physical marking. Strange the ways of God!  And Jacob was warmly welcomed instead of killed by his brother Esau.

Wounds & Scars

In the secular realm, wounds and scars are easily considered impediments, in a sense impeding life flow, or at least worldly success. Jacob limped away. A wounded soldier will probably be limited or incapable of continuing full duty.

There’s an old spiritual reality or truth that from our wounds come healing gifts for others. Our wounds and scars become sources of blessing for the world. (The semantic energy of blessing seems to favor something moving outward from ourselves toward an other or others.

In my own profession, there’s a “Silver Rule of therapy”- which asserts that a therapist can take a client (or patient) only as far as they have proceeded in their own therapeutic (life) journey.  (Personally, I’m not sure if that’s good news or bad news, but I’ve witnessed it both ways a number of times, including myself.)

Many come to work with me carrying wounds and scars – things have gone “wrong”, don’t work anymore, life has been ‘crossed’. We can judge these circumstances in terms of good and bad. But they seem from a spiritual perspective as “ways” of God to share the deeper mysteries of who (he) is.

My therapist trainer years ago told of a couple who came to her, claiming (bragging) that they never fought. She responded that she’d have to charge them double, for the extra amount of work they would need.

Let me take a side step into another realm – clerical celibacy.  I recall, some years ago, a conversation about the matter with a local Catholic priest. He explained that his celibacy was a charism, a spiritual gift, or extraordinary power given by the Holy Spirit. From that I began to view it not as a psychological matter, but a spiritual gift. Psychologically, it’s a wounding – a denial of a natural and desirable (even ecstatic) human experience. And yet it’s for the sake of the (higher) healing gifts of men and women under the Church’s  “Holy Orders.” Needless to say, the aberration of this understanding in the Church alone has led to incalculable abuse and suffering, especially of the vulnerable among us.

Another side-step. The Summer before my High School senior year, I was a summer exchange student, living with a German family in Bavaria. The father had a prominent scar on one cheek, which I once questioned. He spoke little English, so his only answer was a single word “ooniversitay” – and offered no further explanation. A year or two after my return, I saw an Italian “shockumentary” movie called “Mondo Cane” (A Dog’s Life – 1962) – which, in one sequence, I witnessed a university fraternity initiation, involving a deep ritual razor slice into the initiate’s cheek – resulting in the very scar I lived with that earlier Summer. I was somewhat offended by the artificiality of the ritual – but then, I wasn’t a fraternity type myself in college. Subsequently, when I consider that my German summer was only 13 years after the 1945 defeat of Germany, perhaps the scar did carry some redeeming virtue for this ex-Nazi serviceman.

Writing this Newsletter on Easter afternoon, and having just completed the ritual ordeal of a Christin Holy Week – I’ve pondered the Passion and Crucifixion of Christ as God’s own wounding/scarring of himself to accomplish the Great Easter Blessing for the world.

Perhaps, when we wrestle with God, we will (and maybe, of course) carry painful wounds and scars, (maybe even fatal – for death itself is a life-wound).

Perhaps, in the divine economy of the Almighty One, this is (his) way of keeping us connected with (his) larger plan for (his) creation without infringing on our own freedom and integrity. ³

Maybe we could

Pay Attention

Footnotes

¹ The New Jerusalem Bible, Doubleday 1985 – long and still my favorite for its semantic pedigree and style (and great notes).   

   Also, it is not uncommon at that time in Hebrew literary history for God to appear to humankind as an angel.

²  I just came across an online article “The Bathsheba Syndrome: The Ethical Failure of Successful Leaders”- (https://www.jstor.org/stable/25072398) – postulating a secular extension of my own hypotheses.

³ Just as a parting thought to my legalistsic/dualistic thinking Christian friends – one of the deeper mature understandings of Easter, is that we don’t need to be “saved” in order to be fully included in the Easter “Resurrection.”  (There’s a deep wound for many – ruining many sermons)  Sorry guys!  Live with it.

(This is my Easter gift to those friends and clients who suffer “imposter syndrome.”)

Afternote

My initial plans were to conclude with sharing some private examples of personal wounds. But greater wisdom whispered that would be more self-indulgence, less than useful, and to best keep those matters private.   WKM

March 2024 Newsletter – Volume 24, No 3 (my #208)

Pacifism or Passivity

Let me begin with a story I’ll frequently share with clients.

The Old Monk and the Cobra

Somewhere in the Indian subcontinent, there’s a village. Beside the village is a small mountain, and on top of it is a shrine. The people of the town, who climb the rugged path for their spiritual exercises, regularly visit the shrine, which has been maintained for many years by an elderly monk.
But one day, he began to notice that fewer and fewer people from the village were making the journey up to his shrine. So he inquired of one of the pilgrims why this might be. He was told, “I’ll tell you why. Near the beginning of the path up, there’s a Cobra, who’s been biting people as they pass by – so many are now afraid to make the trip.”
So, the old monk decided to take matters into his own hands. He makes his way down the mountain path to where the cobra resides. “Brother Cobra (says the monk), I understand you’ve been biting people.” “That is true,” responds Brother Cobra. “Well, this is unacceptable,” (says the old monk). “The people need to be free to use this path without fear of a poisonous Cobra bite. So I’m telling you to stop biting people.” “OK,” responds Brother Cobra, with his head bowed.
The old monk returns up the mountain path to his shrine, and eventually, the people of the village return to their pattern of traversing the path to their shrine.
Then, one day, the old monk decides he’ll go down to visit Brother Cobra. What he finds is his old friend battered, bruised, and broken. “What’s this!” exclaimed the old monk. The cobra replied, “Ever since you told me to stop biting folks, they’ve made my life hell. The young boys whirl me around by my tail, bashing my head onto stones and tree trunks. Others throw rocks at me, kick me, step on me – I would rather die than suffer all this!”
The old monk replied, “But Brother Cobra, When I told you to stop biting people. I didn’t tell you to stop hissing.” 1
ooOOoo

In recent Newsletters, I’ve noted my family heritage of pacifism. But I want to make a distinction that this often has little to do with niceness. That’s why I enjoy this story.

The Curse of Niceness (Passivity)

As a mother (or a father), you wouldn’t point out the carry-out boy at the grocery store and say, “Now, isn’t he a nice young man? That’s the type you want to marry.” You’d maybe want to hire him for customer service, but not for a life partner. 2

Niceness is often a cover for passivity. Remember Alfred E. Newman’s motto of Mad Magazine fame: “What, me worry?” Passivity is primarily the opposite of taking responsibility. (I’ve been a marriage/relationship counselor for almost half a century.)

I recall some years ago, back in the early “Men’s Movement” days, the poet Robert Bly telling us that an essential phrase for men was the resourcefulness (and courage) to say, “Hey, wait a minute!” Women, recently, have become more adroit with that phrase, which frequently leads to terror (or rage) in men.3

Men and women who don’t sometimes know to hiss, more easily get abused in relationships. Or they more easily become abusers. 4

So then, what is Pacifism?

Pacifism is very different. Passivity is a “do nothing” strategy—letting our base human nature (the Amygdala part of the brain) run the show. William Golding’s novel The Lord of the Flies (1954) was popular when I was young. It posited a society of boys ruled by their base natures and the savage chaos that emerged.

Some call it the “Law of the Jungle” – where the ‘natural world’ can act from an inherent balance, which seems to work. The ‘law of the human jungle’ is the survival of the fittest – which appears to work in the ‘natural’ world. Still, in the human world, it gives over to a “law of projection” where whatever we don’t want to deal with, we “project” onto others, and then we can more easily dehumanize (or ‘kill’) any ‘other.’ This is why humans can so quickly go to war. In the human world, “sports” are favored to submit (or sublimate) this chaos to social “rules,” whereby the inner desire to compete is both honored and tempered. In the Roman Circus, sometimes gladiators (and Christians) ended up being eaten by the lions – to the satisfaction of both rulers and the crowds.

In evolving history, pacifism became the social and personal energy to ‘tame the hungry beast’ within – hence an energy for “peace” to counter the energy for “war.” It was based on an evolving assumption that all humanity was equal and sacred and that the seemingly natural desire to dominate or lord it over others has become the root of much social (and political) evil.5

Although its history is varied and often a moving target, Pacifism is a lot of personal work. It takes courage and the willingness to be vulnerable, to stand up for those who can’t, and to teach and encourage those who can.6

“I didn’t tell you not to hiss.”

Now you can see why I love this story of the old Monk and the Cobra.

Learning the difference between biting and hissing is vital to a civil culture. There are many places in our world where you can be killed (or at least locked up) for just hissing. We must protect those who get bitten and those who can hiss (often independent of whether we agree with them).

It’s a matter of balance – a balance that seems even more precarious in our time. The future of our democratic culture and our ability to be a beacon of stability in a chaotic world seem to lie in the balance, especially these days.

We need both wise old monks and wisely trained cobras.

I hope my words can be helpful.

Pay Attention

Footnotes

1. I don’t recall where or from whom I first heard this story, but I’ve enjoyed telling it myself for many years.

2 My creative imagination carries this note a step further: The daughter thinks a moment and asks her mother, “Is that why you married Dad?” “Well, yes,” replies the mother. To which the daughter then responds, “And is that why you now hate him?” Nice young men can become passive husbands → which often leads to angry wives (and vice versa).

3 At this point, I’ll (not joking) share a man’s initial imagination: “I think I’d rather shove salt in a Siberian salt mine.” Yet, when a man is willing to respond positively to a woman’s “Hey, wait a minute,” he’ll often find, to his surprise, himself in a positive and creative experience. Amazing!

4 Cf the following online article about the Covert Narcissist: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201901/all-you-should-know-about-covert-narcissist.

5 While writing this Newsletter, I saw the movie “Origin” (US 2023), based on the New York Times bestseller Isabel Wilkerson’s Caste: The Origins of our Discontents. It was an audience multi handkerchief powerful movie, and ending with unusually great audience applause.

6 I have written earlier in these Newsletter pages about my mother, bringing to our smallish Iowa town the work of the American Field Service. It began in 1915 as wartime battlefield volunteer ambulance drivers – then eventually asked, “Whatever can we do to prevent these wars from ever happening again?” From this grew a great intercultural student exchange program with the motto: “Walk together, talk together, all you peoples of the earth, and we shall have peace.” (I became a High School AFS exchange student in Germany in 1958.)