Welcome to the first in a monthly series in which I hope to share some
threads of News of the Universe, as perceived by the mind of a
therapist and the eyes of a life-experienced man. So let’s begin
with the topic of “Change.”
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Making a Decision to Change - Part I
Change
itself is not the primary reason most people approach a therapist - unless
it's to try to get somebody else to change (like your spouse, for example).
No,
the real reason most people come into therapy is to relieve pain.
When the pain is great enough, you finally seek help. And it’s
the pain factor that makes medication so tempting and popular - and for
many, for good reason.
Consider
a continuum, a line with two halves, like this:
________________________________O_________________________________
Human
Pain > > Human
Potential
[the
necessity to change] [a
decision to change]
The Pain model
of therapy involves the task of helping a person get to “zero”
(i.e. “normal”). And for many people, this is the best use
of therapy – and maybe that all that’s possible for them.
I have a great respect for many therapists who do this work. They'll mostly
work in agencies or institution, with the severe psychologically hurting
of our society. They are the front line soldiers in the trenches of our
culture's psychological services. And many of them are saints. Getting
a client "up to zero" is sometimes the mark of great clinical
and personal success
The Potential model,
on the other hand, picks up the task at "zero" and keeps on
going. This is where the healing of human pain melds toward a more conscious
decision to change.
Here's
an overly simple analogy: Compare the person who desperately struggles
to get a bully to stop standing on his or her foot, to the person who
wants to begin training those same feet to run a high quality footrace.
Those of us in private
practice are more the gurus of personal change, of helping people
grow toward an increasing level of human potential. We're more cautious
about using medication, because while medication can reduce psychic pain,
it likewise can reduce creativity and the pursuit of human excellence.
Sometimes it’s a difficult trade-off. Often with a new client, I’ll
begin with the problem of immediate pain, but in my mind’s eye I
always see the person
(or couple)
in terms of possibility, potential, maturity, and personal fulfillment.
I’ll tell my clients that my gift is often to hold for them the
vision of a richer fuller life. Whether the client will ultimately choose
to work beyond the problem of the moment is always a mystery at first.
Curiously, there are no reliable indicators for us at the beginning how
far a client will ultimately decide to go in therapy. His or her freedom
of decision is always the ultimate determination.
A
desire to change may have been lurking in the deep recesses of a person
for a long time - perhaps many years. It's the moment when that desire
becomes an actual decision that wonders (and some terrors) begin
to happen.
Next
time I'll discuss getting to that decision, what it's like, and why it's
frequently so difficult. Then I'll talk more about the struggles and
joys of maintaining that change.
As
an additional note, may I suggest you keep in mind the pain/potential
continuum I've shared above. I find that many people and groups will
hold strong to one side, and exclude the other. The results can become
both fuzzy thinking and sometimes dangerous demonizing. Psychologically,
socially, personally and politically, we need to hold onto that (often
elusive) center which can contain and honor both wings.
Until next month, pay
attention!
